From the Files of Several Amateur MSDA Agents
by Jadefleck
Summary: Six girls, all slightly trained Mary Sue Destruction Agency agents, are sent into the world of Harry Potter to track down and exterminate a particularly nasty Mary Sue. Join this band of misfits as they stumble blindly through a mission meant for much more experienced agents. Contains swearing, slightly... ahem... odd things, and general insanity. Oh yeah, and a self-insert. ENJOY!


**Before you read this, I suggest you read asmmetricalreapertrash's MSDA story, MSDA 1: Mary Sue Destruction Agency… other than that, I do not own Harry Potter, and I refuse to acknowledge the made-up Sue(s) as mine. Enjoy, and Don't Forget To Be Awesome! (DFTBA!)**

Chapter One…

"This is stupid," I said in a deadpan to one of my fellow agents, Stasya Arkadavitch.

The corner of her mouth twitched upwards into a slight grin, and her green eyes twinkled.

5'10" and built like a fridge, Stasya is not a force to be left unnoticed. She was on this mission as an agent transferred from the Russian branch of the MSDA, short for Mary Sue Destruction Agency. She was leaning casually on a trolley carrying what she would need as a student of Hogwarts. That's right, Hogwarts. On our first mission, the MSDA had decided to send us to destroy a Harry Potter-ized Sue.

"I-I wonder what h-house we'll be in…" Anemone whispered, seemingly-violet-but-really-dark-blue eyes wide in fear/confusion.

I smiled and gently patted her on the head.

"Don't worry, 'Nem! You won't get in Slytherin!" I said cheerfully.

She frowned.

"That's not what I was worried about…"

"She meant to say that she's scared of being in the Sue's house," Melody said from behind me, officially scaring the (pardon my French) shit out of me.

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?!" I half-yelled.

Melody glared at me.

"_None of your business_."

I took that as a cue to shut up and look over my team again. On my left was Stasya, who was fiddling with her favorite pale blue scarf. To my right was Clarisse Guillemot, a blonde Goth with a desire to crush, kill, and destroy every single Sue she met. In front of me were my two wallflower buddies, Melody Calandra and Anemone Tyrrell. Both were short, shy, and had hair in varying shades of blonde, but Melody was a fantastic musician, and Anemone was a bookworm. Next to them was Noelia Loredan, an Italian transfer with a personality that was practically bipolar, sweet and bubbly one second, murderous the next. Her gold-rimmed glasses reflected the faces passing by us as we waited on Platform 9 ¾ for the Sue to make her most-likely-glamorous appearance.

"You'd think that she'd be here right now, destra, ragazza (right, girl)?" Noelia asked me.

"Yeah. Maybe this was a false alar-"

I never got to finish my sentence, though, because the Sue had already arrived… and she brought a friend. The two were followed by Ron Weasley and Harry Potter, who seemed to be entranced by the Sues.

"No. No no no no no NO!" I chanted, seeing the pair of Sues so sparkly and perfect, they were barf-worthy.

Clarisse covered my mouth with one hand and facepalmed with the other. I don't want to describe the Sues, but Stasya will probably kill me if I don't, so here goes…

The first one had a Barbie waist (4 ¾ inches from the front), a huge chest, and crazy big kaleidoscope anime-like eyes. Her hair was neon purple and she glittered like fudging faerie dust. Her friend was just as bad, but thinner, larger-chested, rainbow-eyed, and green-haired. When they passed by us, chattering in annoyingly high-pitched voices, I nearly fainted from shock and disgust.

"That vas horrifying," Stasya hissed in my ear once the Sues were out of earshot.

"No shit, Sherlock. We need to exterminate those creatures before they cause too much trouble," I said.

Melody and Anemone seemed to be in shock, the poor things. I picked up my faithful cat, Silverstream (who I had lovingly named after a Warrior Cats character she had a bizarre resemblance to) and stroked her head for a moment before handing her to the two girls.

"Petting an animal has been proven to be calming to the mind, and should help you recover from the terrifying and traumatic abominations that were before you moments ago," I said.

Anemone rolled her eyes and took Silverstream, cradling her like a baby and petting her gray fur. I sighed and watched the two play with my cat.

The Hogwarts Express chugged into the station a bit too late, and we happily boarded, finding a compartment next to Harry Potter's so we could listen in on the conversation that would take place. When I had closed the doors to our compartment, I collapsed on the floor between the seats, seeing as there was no room for me. Silverstream crawled onto my stomach and curled up into a fluffy silver ball. I looked up at my fellow agents.

"Well, now we know why they sent all six of us. These have got to be level 8 Sues. We need to kill them as soon as we can," I said, breaking the awkward silence.

"Да. (Yes.) I agree vith you, Michelle. Better to kill them now vhile this vorld is more or less unharmed than later, vhen they have all but destroyed it," Stasya said grimly.

"I swear that these people want to kill us," Melody muttered, watching her Elf owl sleep on her finger.

"We'll just have to hope for the best," Noelia said in a tired voice.

There was a chorus of agreement from the rest of us, but by then Noelia had fallen asleep. I picked up Silverstream and stood up.

"Let's get in our Hogwarts robes so we can take a nap," Anemone whispered.

"I second that," Clarisse said.

"Я второй что, a также, (I second that, as well.)" Stasya added, nodding.

"Ditto," Melody said.

I nodded slightly. We had Stasya serve as a guard at the door, and we gave her some of the silver Sickles provided by the MSDA if the candy trolley lady happened to pass by because, let's face it, by then we were starving half to death, and changed into our robes as quickly as we could. We woke up Noelia so she and Stasya could change, and the trolley lady had magically appeared with her cart of sweets when they were done changing. We bought as much candy as our stash of Sickles could buy, and listened to the conversation going on in the compartment next to ours.

I could hear the door open and two annoyingly familiar voices speak.

"Could my friend Jewels Periwinkle Sunrise Wonder Sprinkles Caroline Sparkle Beauty and I stay in your compartment for the rest of the train ride?" asked the first Sue.

I could imagine Harry and Ron, in their transfixed Suethored state, gaping at the Sues.

"Of course!" Harry said.

I twitched.

"This Suethor is already ruining Harry Potter…" I growled.

"Calm down tiger," Clarisse said, munching on a Chocolate Frog, "We'll set things straight soon."

"We'd better…"

"This is Bella Garnet Emerald Bianca Ocean Juniper Hyena-Rain!" the second Sue, who I assumed was named Jewels Periwinkle etc., etc., said.

"Hyena-Rain? Really?" Melody said.

"This is going to be a long mission," Noelia said, sighing.

**Well. This is going to be absolute torture to write. But it'll be fun when we kill off the Sues… Ah, well, I'm signing off. Again, go look at asmmetricalreapertrash's MSDA story before you look at mine. Good bye!**

**~Michelle, AKA the poor MSDA agent narrating this chapter**


End file.
